Debt
by RaeynnBeau
Summary: This was just a practice excerpt I wrote to try and figure out how to write Kuja for a roleplay. I recently found it, edited it, and decided to post it. Set at the end of FFIX when Kuja is dying at the Iifa tree, and Zidane goes back for him; sort of my imaginings on how Zidane survived. Kuja's PoV, possible implied character death, but I left it open at the end so it's your call.


**Debt**

Pain.

I tried to keep away from him; he didn't need to notice me - didn't need to know I was alive. I deserved to lie there, broken, dying. Slowly - it was more than I deserved really. I tried to end _everything_ - all of existence. turn it all into nothing ... Because I was selfish.

Ha. Selfishness.

Such a human emotion - an emotion derived from an even more primal one. Fear. I used to think I wasn't afraid of anything; I was sure that I was stronger than _everything_ ... That nothing could defeat me.

But you can't defeat death.

And I realized that when _that man_ told me I was to die. That I was to exist no more ... I couldn't understand. I had thought that I was invincible; that nothing could win over me. How could I die when I was the strongest thing I could conceive of? I had even killed _him_ ... There was only one that might have been able to do away with me, and I thought I had bested even him.

Zidane.

But it turns out I was wrong. Even at my strongest, at my most desperate ... I was unable to defeat him. And yet, irony of ironies, now he was my only hope of survival, it seemed.

The question remains; do I want to survive?

I don't deserve it, and I know that.

I should just lay here, and rot. I could be here for a few minutes, or it could be decades. At this point I don't know ... But it would be a lie to say that I don't care. Not knowing is half the torture though; and it's a torture that I _should_ endure ... For every moment that I continue to exist.

But somehow, no matter how I tried to stay hidden ... Somehow he knew.

"Kuja! Can you hear me!? I'm coming to get you!" _Fool ... I sent you away ... ... So that you would go ... with your friends ... Not so that you could remember me ... And return ... _

'_You still have time ... Forget about me and go._' It was all I had strength to project; that answer. I was tired - I didn't want to do any more. I just wanted to lay there and let my existence stop. To just fade away, no matter how long it took - it almost sounded ... Nice, if you didn't consider the consequences. I tried to stop him from coming; I tried to get him to see that it was futile - stupid, even - to try and save me, when he could just as easily escape with his friends, and save himself. And of course he didn't listen ... I'm not sure why it didn't surprise me. I felt as if it should have, and yet ... If he had done anything else, I ... I wouldn't have been angry just ...

Confused.

"Just shut up, and stay where you are!" Huh. He's more foolish than I gave him credit for if he thought there was any way I am moving. I couldn't if I wanted to. So I just laid there; it didn't make much difference if he was coming for me or not, I suppose. We would never escape the Iifa tree together; it was moving too quickly, like a thing possessed, focusing on it's one goal - it's hostile takeover of Gaia. Nothing could or would stop it, and nothing would save us either ... I laid there for what felt like so long - I thought he had changed his mind. Who could blame me for missing his presence in my state? Any sane person would have given up when they saw the roots of the Iifa tree coming towards them, twisting and writhing faster and faster just to crush them like an insignificant dust mite?

Then again, no one ever said Zidane was sane.

He fell past me suddenly; it surprised me, enough that I felt my eyes open a little in my shock before suddenly, tail and all, he kept going. The smile crossed my face even before I knew it was happening; he would never change. For some reason, I knew that - even if I wasn't an authority on his habits. He was the kind of person that you could just ... Tell, somehow. And then, he was there again, a moment later, sitting with me, like a relative visiting a hospital; an almost accurate statement, ironically ...

"Hey! Are you alright?" he called my attention, and there wasn't much I could do except acknowledge him. I turned in his direction and answered him as well as I could.

"Zidane ...? What are you doing here? I thought I told you to go ..."

"Wouldn't you do the same for me if you knew I was dying?" I said nothing in response, because there was no response I could give. I wanted to say no - that I wouldn't help him or save him if he was in trouble ... But I knew that wasn't true - and I suspect that the both of us knew it. I had already proved it. I had delivered them from the hands of the ultimate destroyer; saved them from being rent asunder by his final attempt on their lives. Apparently he decided that he didn't want an answer either way though, because in the next moment he was saying, " ... Never mind." So maybe he didn't know.

"Your comrades were able to escape?" Why make small talk when all you could think about was your imminent demise? There really was no reason, and yet I asked anyway

"Yeah ... I knew you had something to do with it." So he did know. Suppose there was no point in lying now, or trying to cover up what had happened. I was just so tired ... and all of this talking was just exhausting me more. Maybe I felt like I owed it to him, and that's why I kept speaking; maybe not. I'm honestly unsure - and yet the answers came.

"I'm glad they made it."

"Yeah well ... It's our turn to get movin'." I wanted to say something to him - anything, that would get him to just up and leave. I didn't want him here. I didn't want him trying to convince me that he was going to help me - that he was going to get me out of here. I didn't want him putting these stupid ideas in my head, that everything would be 'ok', and that I was going to survive this. Even if there was a chance ... I shouldn't. I knew that; I'm sure he knew that too. And yet, here he was ...

"I don't deserve to live after all that I've done." Perhaps he would leave if I told him this; if I made him see things my way. "I'm useless to this world." I could hear the hesitation in my own voice; but then, who wants to admit that they know they have no purpose? That it wouldn't matter if they existed or not. Life would just continue on without them, unchanged?

"No one's useless ... You helped us escape, remember?"

"After you guys beat me, I had nothing left ... Nothing more to lose." I felt myself laugh here, though I don't have any idea why. But with the way he was _looking_ at me ... He didn't need to _say_ all of those things I didn't want him to try and convince me of; I knew he was thinking all of them at once. And I didn't want to hear it. "Then, I finally realized what it means to live ... I guess I was too late." I just ... wanted to go to sleep ... Perhaps he would leave then?

I let my eyes close the rest of the way and my breath slow; sleep ... Sounded wonderful; it wasn't as if it would matter, if I were to sleep, or, perchance, to dream ... The world would ignore me. I was inconsequential, after all.

"Hey! Don't you go dying on me, alright!?" I heard him, but I couldn't force myself to answer; the tree was coming for me. Suddenly, I just ... Knew - you know? It was a certainty to me, as if there was no other truth. _Good ... At least he won't bother with me any more ..._ was all I could think; and it was the truth. It frustrated me how stubborn that idiot was being. He was going to die for his stubbornness, and I was going to have to die with that guilt. It seemed unfair, somehow. The sound of the roots moving was overtaking my senses; it sounded distant though, almost as if it were happening miles away, instead of yards. Strange; is this what dying feels like? I thought it would be more ... Frightening. But really, it just seems ... Sad.

He moved next to me, though I couldn't be sure how exactly, since my eyes were closed - it felt like he was over me - perhaps sitting up to jump before the roots tore both of us to shreds? I heard them coming closer and I couldn't help but stop breathing, bracing myself for the addition of pain to what there already was.

And then ...?

Nothing.

Not even pain.

I waited. I paused for a long time; it seemed like forever to me. But it didn't end ... In fact, nothing happened at all. Except that there was this strange feeling, like rain – warm, sticky rain – falling on my face. Slowly, I opened one of my eyes, though it took more effort than I wanted to expend. The first thing I saw was blue ... Blue and blonde and flesh ... ... and then red. It came from his mouth; I could see it trickle down his chin as he leaned over me - how strange ... Why was he still here ...?

"Good ... Was afraid ... I'd lost you ... ... For a second there ..." his voice was strained when he spoke, and at the end he coughed, more blood curling down his face and dripping onto mine. I couldn't help but glance down, and I saw the source of his injury; one sharp, thick root from the Iifa tree had pierced him straight through the middle of his back and had come out of his abdomen and stopping before it reached me

"Zi ... Zidane!?" there was more strength in my voice than I remembered having as my second eye opened, and he laughed a little at my confusion. He had stayed to … protect me? Now he would die too. "You ... stayed ...?"

"Well ... If you're going to be stubborn ... And just let yourself die here ... I'm not going to let you do it alone, stupid." he said with a forced grin that just came across as pain. Slowly, I tried to push myself up; my arms shook, and gave out at the first attempt. I wasn't going to let this, this ... _Idiot_ ... Die in place of me! I wasn't going to die owing _anyone_ anything. _Especially_ not _him_.

"You ... Are a fool," I managed as I dragged myself up, and nearly fell again; I manged to slide away from his arms, which were pressed one on other side of me against the dais we were sitting on. "I see ... I'll have to help you escape ... Once again ..." It was almost a blind swipe I made towards him, carefully pulling him off of the offending root. I am a mage by nature, and the spell I used next was reflex for me to cast ... Though even something as lowly as a cure managed to tax me greatly; it was all I could do to support his weight, which was nearly dead at this moment.

I couldn't rest though - it was coming for me again, and I knew it. But now, I had something I had to do. Purpose again, if only for a moment.

"At the very least ... _You_ should survive this ..." I said to him as I braced my arms around him. I was reminded, strangely, of the time shortly after he was created - I held him like this for a time, hidden from Garland, and took him to Gaia ...

Strange, the things we remember, when we think we're not going to live for much longer.

That memory gave me more strength than I thought I had; he had tried to protect me. To keep me safe; but _I _was the older sibling. It should have been _me _keeping _him _safe. It _would _be. The teleport I was going to perform might destroy me, but I would complete it, even if it took everything I had left. At the very least, I could ensure that he would survive ...

And I would owe him nothing.


End file.
